By MONTE DUTTON

Mike Ayers is a cure for what ails you.

The ex-Wofford head coach, whose career was extraordinary by any measure, eschews microphones at his speaking appearances. Listening to Ayers address the Laurens County Touchdown Club on Thursday reminded me of my days in the NASCAR garage.

Vroom.

Ayers could walk out onto the starting grid at Darlington Raceway, someone could say, “Drivers, start your engines!” and people would still hear what he had to say.

The 75-year-old ex-Marine is still built like one and still barks like one, which is to say he was perfectly suited to coach a team known as Terriers, and it’s no surprise he compiled a record of 207-139-1 in 30 seasons in which Wofford advanced from NCAA Division II to Division I, Football Championship Subdivision and the Southern Conference.

Ayers is fierce, fiery and fervent. He is also inspirational, which means his message was particularly useful in a county where the combined record of all the varsity football teams, including Presbyterian College, is 10-21. No one in the room has ever been as down and out as Ayers once was.

He failed his first attempt at college football for sparse academic interest and was then drafted into the Marine Corps. He was once an Ohio garbage man. He once wrestled a black bear. In his first year as a college head coach, at East Tennessee State, the team was 0-10-1. The reason I remember that is a conversation I had in the press box of Municipal Stadium, onetime home of the Greenville Braves.

The Furman radio broadcaster was then a fellow named Pete Butler, and during a game, he proclaimed, “I guarantee you, East Tennessee State was by bar the best 0-10-1 team in America last year,” and I told Pete that I had little doubt that was true, reasoning that the number of 0-10-1 teams was undoubtedly small. Ayers went 11-11 the next two years in Johnson City, took the Wofford job and became a legend.

Ayers has been a frequent guest at the TD Club because, by God, he works hard for his money. I’ve heard the stories before, but I want to hear him tell them again. I can’t help but think he should still be coaching. He could keep the air conditioning running with his personal electricity alone. No one has ever fallen asleep listening to Ayers. In terms of volume, he’s somewhere between a souped-up V-8 and a similarly fortified V-6. I found myself making a comparison that was the last I thought I’d make. His passionate delivery reminded me of the comedian Lewis Black.

Ayers is humorous. He makes clever use of audience participation. People leave his talks thinking briefly of enlisting in something. Instead, they wind up going to the driving range.

The old people think, now, that’s what America used to be! The kids think that is one cool old dude. Everyone goes home happy and inspired.

Every citizen should have a requirement of a certain number of events – 10, maybe – he or she must attend each year in the name of civic awareness. Going to see Mike Ayers ought to count.

Kadon Crawford is the first to win Laurens County Touchdown Club Player of the Week in for consecutive performances. The Clinton senior set a school record with 191 receiving yards in a 51-28 win over Union County.

Clinton seems lonely when the Red Devils aren’t playing on Friday night. Even if the football game isn’t at Wilder Stadium, people talk about, and lots of them go.

Maybe a few will head over to Bailey Memorial Stadium on Saturday to watch the Blue Hose play the Hatters. I’m confident it’s the only college game in America matching schools named for forms of apparel.

Round the crease a bit more, Manny. I like that gray felt, though.

Clinton High’s open date is well-timed. The injury-plagued Red Devils should be mainly in the pink when they visit Woodruff in a week.

Laurens Academy and Thornwell Charter are off this week, too, but the Crusaders are 2-5. The Red Devils are 5-2, and the Saints are 1-5.

Good golly, Miss Molly. I do not believe in praying for victory, but Laurens High (0-7, 0-1 Region 2- 4A) has me pretty close. This week the Raiders are down by the Riverside – that’s Greer – and, like every other game to date, it’s not going to be easy.

In fairness to Laurens, the schedule would make a busker wince. (What is a busker? It’s a guy who plays music on a street corner for tips. I once got accosted for doing that without a .permit in Key West.)

The Raiders have faced five ranked teams: Hillcrest, Clinton (at the time they played), Belton-Honea Path, Chapman and T.L. Hanna. The combined score of those five games was 249-46.

Riverside (4-3, 1-0) have defeated Travelers Rest, Woodmont, Christ Church and Wade Hampton, while losing to J.L. Mann, Spartanburg and Daniel. Christ Church was the only ranked team the Warriors have beaten.

The Raiders close with Wade Hampton at home and Eastside in Taylors.

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Photo galleries are posted on Instagram @furmanatt and @laurenscountysports.

The next Fiesta Grande open mic is Wednesday, Oct. 18, at 8 p.m.