Get a grip. Have a clue. Or have a grip. Get a clue. Either way, right now, you are both gripless and clueless. Know what I'm saying? Never have we interacted more. Never has it mattered less. The world is empty. We like it that way. Let's make it emptier. Order up another dozen Justin …
Category: Humor
Personalized Treatment
Most Mondays were the same. Olin Hampden was accustomed to it. Minor crises took up as much time as major ones. The wife of the president of Hortense National Bank had a fender bender; she had backed her Escalade into the back of a Nissan that was backing out of a space behind her at …
The Writing Will Find You
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be writers. If it’s in them, it will come out, but there’s no reason to encourage it. Don’t recommend it, for God’s sake. Personally, I only think of writing once a day. Every day. All day long. I usually watch TV and read at night. Once I …
One of My Daddy’s Days
This was a Daddy Day, which is not to say I am one. It is a subset of what my late father called “one of them Dutton deals.” To me, a Daddy’s Day is one in which very little gets done. My father, who died nearly 22 years ago, could waste a day as …
Service After the Sale
I’m sure the employees at the nearby cell-phone “store” dread to see me coming. Maybe they’ll forget by the next time. It frustrates me that technology is supposed to make our lives easier, and it doesn’t. It plunges everyone into a black hole of communications with impersonal recordings, interminable periods on hold, and a barely …
A Fable of Raised Expectations
During the heyday of high school football in this town, lots of fans used to watch the team practice late in the evenings, after the mill shift ended. It was the late seventies, and that was a decade that saw Clinton win four state championships and reach the finals twice more. One day I was …
Them Ain’t Got No Coffee Blues
Supposedly drugs do not really make a person creative. They merely make him think he is creative. On the other hand, supposedly, image is reality. I don’t feel creative this morning. I feel listless. I feel dull. I need drugs. The drug is caffeine. I didn’t realize I was addicted to coffee until the apparatus …
Dates, Ages, & Other Nonsense
It hit me like a numerical freight train, shortly after I awakened and chose the appropriate strain of coffee. I went with “Breakfast Blend,” which would seem to be a no-brainer. Today is 12/13/14, and since the calendar has only twelve months, next year there won’t be a 13/14/15. Even my math skills visualize that. …
Little Things Mean Too Much
At this stage of life, one considers strictly important matters. One questions matters he has blithely accepted for decades. For instance, the word “like” is often used to mean “lack,” as in the great line from Roger Miller’s “Dang Me”: “I like fourteen dollars having twenty-seven cents.” One thinks, why is it “like”? And, then, …
My Fingers Are Faster
This sharp little number has speeded me up. It’s a transformer, capable of serving both my laptop and tablet needs. I don’t fully understand my tablet needs. I’ve had a laptop. I’ve had an iPhone. Now I’ve got the capability of existing in between. Middle Earth, maybe. What could be finer than to be in …
Nightrider's Lament 