Yesterday was a regularly scheduled mowing, and just as Johnny Yuma, who was a rebel, wandered along, I wandered around, and while my ramblings were more predictable in route, they did involve unexpected pauses. I started out on one lawn tractor – they used to be called riding lawn mowers until riders became slightly more …
Category: Humor
A Comedy of Errors
In a small town, it’s impossible to avoid people you don’t want to see. There may be many more annoying people in cities, but this decreases the intensity of annoyance in each individual. Here in the sticks, there are people you really don’t want to see. You hear the voice echoing down the supermarket …
Signs of the Accelerating Times
Here’s what happens when you’re over 50 years old but interact with lots of people who are younger. You can’t believe they don’t know how great Johnny Unitas was until you realize that Unitas to them is Red Grange to you. How comes kids don’t ever seem to ride their bikes? Tattoos. Yecchh. What do …
Dominion Over The Language
You want to know how big sports is? It supersedes language. That was a serious offense when I was in grade school. Where is the past tense of “fly,” not “flew”? Baseball, and in this instance I concede the game has a good reason. When a batter hits a fly ball, it’s easy to imagine …
Drive-Through Blues
I ordered two biscuits and, leaning out the window, informed the voice from the speaker that I had a coupon to “buy one and get one free.” I have learned that it is futile to say something that is merely English – “I want two biscuits, and I’ve got a coupon to get one free” …
Another Morning In Paradise
I was dreaming about something beautiful. I could probably describe it if I had not staggered into the den, faster than my wits would allow, stubbing my toe on the exercise bike/clotheshorse on my way to the front door, on which my beloved nephew was knocking. It was about 6:30. I had already awakened briefly …
Little Things Mean A Lot
It’s funny what you miss and what you don’t. (I could’ve seemed intelligent and grammatically correct by writing “what one misses and what one doesn’t,” but hell, I’m already writing in first person so what’s it matter? Nowumsayin?) For instance – imagine Warner Wolf saying “in an upset!” – I haven’t seen The Weather Channel …
Left to My Own (Poetic) Devices
“Love your liver with Liverite Liver Aid.” I just saw that on TV, right after, “Carolina. Duke. The rivalry continues.” That’s a juxtaposition. It’s about as juxtaposed as it gets. Why would Liverite be placed right after a basketball promo? Was it a matter of some programmer just popping in – or whatever they do …
Dishonesty Is the Best Policy
My sister was dying. She was in hospice care. I’d just finished visiting her. She had only a couple days left. My cheeks were red with tears as I walked through the lobby.* Someone, I don’t even remember who, waved and walked over, slapped me on the back and asked, “Hey, how you doing?” My …
Winnowing Out the Bad Words
Every writer makes a transition in which he goes from being bold and erratic to precise and accurate. I don’t mean facts. It’s the words, stupid. It used to be the economy back before it became a football to be tossed back and forth between political parties. Everyone has memories that cause shudders of regret. …
Nightrider's Lament 